I think I got the message. I am being...not all of myself.
All of these things just keep happening one after another to the point that I thought: "I am just going to break in half." It wasn't until this morning that I realized that my struggles were because I broke in half a long time ago.
I could list the plethora of things that have been going on, but you would get tired of reading. So here is the story of my renewed awakening:
My car is up on a jack in my garage because I think something is wrong with my brakes. A friend is fixing it because I got totally ripped off from an auto shop with brake replacements for my son's car. I realize I can't go anywhere. I am totally at the mercy of my friend. I had no choice. I could not force, push, out work, out think or out maneuver anything. Surrender and acceptance was the only option. I could not fix this; I had to accept help from another. I felt totally vulnerable.
Oh...what a gift. My old familiar samskara (I always felt like I had to do it all) showed itself again. And, in the wee hours of the morning, I found that vulnerable little girl who just needs a hug, a helping hand, and to learn to trust again.
Let's face it pain happens. The ego says "Well that hurt, I'm not going to allow that to happen again." Inside the ego decides what part of you is good (the strong protector), and what part is bad (the weak one that got hurt). So ego (little 'i') divide you, discards a piece of yoga. For me, it's the one that asks for help, the vulnerable one. The strong protector stands guard.
Any experience that even remotely senses danger of being hurt is a signal. Aversion steps up to the plate and says "I know what this is. I remember something like this happening before." Fear follows quickly: "I remember all the pain; I am so afraid of feeling that again; and I am terrified of the spiral of sadness that accompanies this pain." Attachment jumps in: "You have been doing so well protecting yourself; yeah, things may not be awesome, but it's okay, and all this protection stuff feels good and safe." Ego which has been running the show adds" "I know what is best and I am right."